When I was 16 I appeared in an issue of new york magazine featuring the “50 most beautiful new yorkers”. I was a girl about town then, glamorous, lively, and bold. (I was a different person then.) Their staff “spotted” me on the boardwalk during siren festival and propositioned me for a photoshoot the following week — they never did tell me what it was for until afterward. But I went in and was ordered to pose all over the place while the photographer took 100 shots of me, but the one they chose to publish was an overexposed headshot.
I have many lovely features.
I have many lovely features and none of them are on my face. You know this quite well. And I know this: I’m a Cameron Diaz type through and through. And I can live with this. But if you’re trying to convince someone of Cameron Diaz’s appeal, you DO NOT photograph her from just the neck up! No fuck that, they didn’t EVEN include my lovely neck, they cropped it out.
Worse than being unflattering: it just didn’t look like me, in the worst way possible. I was annoyed by this, but not exactly surprised. I’d been alive sixteen goddamn years too long to be surprised.
My friends and acquaintances eventually found the photograph but none of them found it terribly offensive. The most I got from anyone was that I was “more striking in person”. They obviously didn’t see what was wrong about it.
But when I showed up to the issue release party, I met and spoke to some of the other people featured, in particular a guy with light skin and dreadlocks. (Token dreadlocked guy and token asian are fast friends, what a surprise.) He wasn’t exploited as deliberately as I was, but his portrait didn’t capture who he was in either physical appearance or in spirit. He was only moderately offended, but his girlfriend was outraged and swore she could’ve taken a better picture of him. I believe her.
Until I met you a few years later, I’d never been aware of how much I wanted that for myself.
I feel your absence sharply whenever I’m around people who look at me and see anything more, less, or different than what’s there. I feel your absence almost every day.
