May 2012
2 posts
1 tag
dream log II: another dream about getting kicked...
Last July, I moved out of an apartment that had been mine for three years.
Since I was breaking my lease a month early, it was I (not the landlord) who was responsible for finding a new tenant. The person I ended up renting the place to was a college senior named Max. I never gave my keys back, so a few months ago I had a dream about hanging out in my old apartment while Max was away. On...
I Have No Name and I Have No Faith in Reason
http://www.dead-philosophers.com/?p=605
April 2012
1 post
the shit that makes it to the front page of etsy
includes this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/82106985/the-separation-13-x-19-fine-art-print?ref=fp_treasury_11 nothing blatantly ridiculous enough about it for me to submit to Regretsy (unfortunately), but christ, can you believe the SHIT that makes it to the front page of etsy? “the separation”. ooohh powerful. girl who looks like zooey deschanel being contemplative in profile. ooohh...
March 2012
5 posts
9 tags
I'm sick of all these poets and artists and...
being inquisitive is the scientist’s domain.
6 tags
The purpose
of my going into social psychology is that would allow me to integrate my intellectual, personal, and professional lives (for some of us, intellectual and personal are more or less indivisible). Now that I’ve done away with two of the three, all I have to be concerned about is attaining a gratifying professional life. Which is why I’m taking up programming. Programming is good for...
4 tags
SIMONE DE BEAUVOIR MEETS JEAN-PAUL SARTRE AND THEY...
Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre meet, notice an uncanny connection, and then walk away from each other. Meanwhile, she can’t get any of her professors to write her recommendation letters for graduate school (actually that’s Einstein if we’re being factually correct) because she wasn’t enough of an ass-kisser as an undergrad. Having no one to discuss the big issues...
3 tags
Oftentimes you have friends who’ve known you for years and still don’t have the faintest idea who you are, because they are incapable of understanding anything about you. Other times you meet people you might as well have known your entire life, and they DON’T want to be friends with you.
Because there’s no congruity in the world. And because you’re not a real...
dream log:
I went to a depressing building looking for film professors. I am completely confused and acutely aware that I have no place here. Film isn’t even my department.
I run into a professor, and he asked me if I was lost, what I was looking for. I didn’t know who I was looking for, but this guy was so hostile in his desire to help that it felt like an interrogation. Sensing a need to...
February 2012
8 posts
6 tags
#textsfromlastnight
2:37 AM There’s a great quote about how Nietzsche was never lonely like everyone thinks he was. I don’t think what he ever wanted was love, I think he just wanted respite from alienation. 2:38 AM I said this. I might be wasted. Whoops. said one rational misanthrope to another
7 tags
I am not of this world,
I never belonged to it.
There are a million stories taking place around me, none of which I have any place in. Closest I’ve come is to have borne direct witness to some (one or two), which as you can imagine has a nasty way of intensifying alienation.
It’s like being the best friend of a main character within the nuclear cast of a sitcom: where, for the purpose of keeping the...
3 tags
Expanded
To back-track to the beginning, the purpose of the first flow chart was to demonstrate the staggering importance of race in basic attraction, defined in terms of group membership. Without necessarily addressing how race fits into the factors-of-attraction framework. Which, to recap, is the empirically substantiated knowledge from psychology that the primary determinants of attraction (platonic...
6 tags
Getting personal
Installment number five: Outgroup hostility.
The thing about ingroup bias is that it contributes more to favorable thinking about your ingroup than active negative thinking about outgroups. Not even the most cohesive and homogenous group prefers to actively denigrate “others” in lieu of simply ignoring them and carrying about in their own insular circle-jerk land. Hostility toward...
10 tags
what happens when Jane is in our ingroup
I forgot to explore one last possibility in my last post there.
What if Jane is not an other? What if she belongs to your ingroup? It’s not that you simply ask yourself whether you’re interested in associating with her and that’s the end of that.
So to explore this hypothetical question using the example from the previous installment, suppose we are still white. But now Jane...
4 tags
Expounding a bit more on colorblindness
So as I was starting to insinuate in my last post, there were two discrete types of colorblindness peddled by the pc-liberals of the ’90s; one that is quite reasonable and another that’s outright ludicrous in its conception. Let me go into this in further depth, hopefully in a way that brings some coherence and unity to this racket I’ve been making about race perception.
Racial...
13 tags
a comparison: when no otherization takes place
Colorblind doesn’t mean bleeding-heartedly PC, it just means this. It’s simply that there is no otherization taking place. When I talk of colorblindness I don’t mean colorblindness as a political message, or colorblindness exaggerated to absurdity to that end. I certainly don’t mean ’90s social propaganda colorblind, like the Disney re-make of Cinderella from 1997...
13 tags
Otherization
To be specific, we mean racial ingroup and outgroup. Because on the broad social level, ingroup or outgroup membership is determined along the lines of race. Race is the most salient social category. It frequently takes precedence over physical attractiveness and in most contexts surmounts all other social categories, especially when other factors — such as age — are fairly...
January 2012
3 posts
2 tags
Happy place
Your room is not a place to me. It’s a state of mind. When I was teetering on the brink of suicide, my afterlife delusion was your room: waking up in your room. I’d escape from the earth under the coronado bridge and then wake up in your room. I’m not a daydreamer, but when I was suicidal I daydreamed a lot. I dreamed about this.
August 2011
3 posts
3 tags
Living in accordance with one's principles isn't...
You’re not a rational person if you’re able to use reason in academic papers but not in heated arguments.
You’re not a virtuous person if you apply your principles to social issues but not also to your personal life.
3 tags
Consistency
I will always be here. I will always be the same person I was when you met me. And if I’ve ever loved you, you can be sure I always will love you. Everyone who has ever led a revolution or a movement and changed the world has had one thing in common: consistency. Humans are of a fickle nature, and few people possess this quality. However, those who do are the ones who change the world.
2 tags
Every gothic melodrama deserves a melodramatic soundtrack.
July 2011
2 posts
It's like you always said,
puberty was the beginning of the end.
(This was back when you were still sporadically insightful, not confused and lost and impressionable as you are now.)
I only felt an urgency to speak to you again because I had reached the eve of the end and I knew it. I thought this was appropriate because knowing you was the single most beautiful (now also the most horrible) experience of my life.
6 tags
Sometimes in life, you get into completely unnecessary accidents on your way to see someone who has affected you profoundly enough to warrant frequent mention in your ridiculous (albeit refreshingly lucid) tumblelog.
They jerk you around via phone indecisively all night after initially blowing you off because they had a bad day. Finally, upon their request, you leave your house to go visit...
June 2011
6 posts
When I was a child, it seemed so certain that I’d already had it made. I was a capable, fearless, independent child… so invulnerable that it seemed impossible I might ever lose (or even come in second) at anything. Really the last kid you could imagine growing up to be a walking tragedy.
Yet, this is now my life. It’s the stuff of fables and folk tales but it’s my life.
1 tag
This bears repeating.
When wounds are fresh, they seem so sure to heal. Enough time must pass before you can determine if there will be scarring, or know the severity of the scarring.
At one time, I was in the position to save you from your devastating loss and prevent my own. You didn’t let me. I’m going to stop punishing myself for it now.
(The scars are punishment enough...
tragedy/farce
In trying to make peace with all my selves and all my mistakes, I ended up making the grandest, most unnecessary, disastrous mistake yet. I lost two goddamn teeth to it and gained nothing.
All I wanted was to see my earnest good intentions realized, yet things were left worse off than they were to begin with. Through no fault of my own, I can say with confidence. It’s just that intentions...
derp.jpg
Physiological youth is a marvelous thing, you know. When you have it, you are capable, resilient, effortlessly stable. You’re nearly invincible. When you no longer have it, you come into danger of becoming so illusioned and weak-willed that you get yourself into stupid accidents on your way to see someone who, after the fact, thinks verbal apologies by e-mail are a sufficient and...
social independence is a tremendous source of strength when you’re young and beautiful. but when either your vigor diminishes or your beauty diminishes in intensity, it becomes a potent source of weakness.
I didn't think the end would be so volatile
But it is, because none of my past selves are ready to die. My present self is eager and willing because she knows it’s right and because she wants to prevent future selves from coming into existence. But my past selves still wish to be known. Make no mistake, they’re gone already. They’re gone in a very literal sense because I’m no longer able to look like them or think...
May 2011
4 posts
just for one moment, i thought i found my way....
is that victories are hard-won and short-lived.
3 tags
When I go here, it feels like I’m the only person on earth. It feels like I’ve killed everyone else in the world and I can finally rest.
fuck my life.
fuck. my life.
toxic people
shouldn’t live difficult lives. They’ll just end up trying to destroy the world. (ex: Hitler)
April 2011
3 posts
foundations of reality crumbling, LOL
lol.
after a little incident and a stay in the mental hospital, my mind has been on vacation. did i say vacation? i meant hiatus. vacation implies enjoyment, i just mean inactivity.
foundations of reality disintegrating ———> grasp on reality disintegrating. sorry.
March 2011
3 posts
for a little while
i want to be locked in a white room away from all humans, all words, and the entire outside world. i want a safe place for my sanity.
7 tags
TO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN WHERE ALL HOPES SANK,...
my origins: for comparison, my dad. note how much clearer his skies are than mine.
the absurdity of the human female form
is attributable to the fact that the species has evolved to be effective in procreating at the expense of the female. **If you understand sexual dimorphism as being a matter of body size, you don’t understand sexual dimorphism.
February 2011
4 posts
The strongest memories are remembered by the physiology of the body even more than they are by the brain.
I fucking hate my life. I fucking. HATE. my life.
8 tags
This means there’s a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) variable in here that’s influencing suicidality, despite what therapists like to believe. There’s nothing rational about clinical psychology anyway, never has been. They went from thinking everything is about sex to thinking everything is about control. Fat load of progress you made there, clinical psychology. Even though all...
3 tags
Typically, human interaction is supposed to be necessary for mental stability, not detrimental to it. But when your thoughts are discrepant enough from other peoples’ thoughts, it’s impossible not to be affected by the dissonance of it in your everyday life.
Going by probability alone, I can reasonably expect never to experience connectedness again. That isn’t pessimism,...
January 2011
3 posts
notes on winter depression
Even my seasonal depression patterns reflect a long-term decline in happiness. Mysteriously, I experienced a sort of rebirth every January which I was always grateful for. But it stopped showing up after year two. Before 2006 I used to run around in a corduroy jacket all winter and the cold couldn’t even touch me, never mind seasonal affective disorder. I used to be completely...
EUREKA!
I finally figured out why women fear rape.
There is one thing I’m as scared of, and scared of in precisely the same ways, as most women are scared of rape.
Pregnancy. NOT pregnancy as in motherhood, but pregnancy as in pregnancy. Physical pregnancy. The actual 9 months of gestation. - I view surrogate motherhood the way most women view prostitution (you’re sacrificing your dignity...
3 tags
naivete
If you dye your hair unnatural colors, you understand and accept that some will interpret your intentions as attention-seeking behavior.
But non-white people are accused of this far more often than white people,
which makes no sense, because: Gaining visibility is not the same as seeking attention.
Because remember, white privilege includes this: when you speak, people listen. When you...
October 2010
1 post
1 tag
People hate truth
They don’t wanna hear it. However… you can hate my words, but you can’t dispute their accuracy.
September 2010
1 post
6 tags
THE GREAT ESCAPE
This weekend I made the great escape — to jacob riis park and fort tilden. Jacob Riis Park big footprints, little footprints, human footprints… (not my footprints) 7AM magical alcove with an abandoned picnic table in it more scenic views of the men’s restroom have you ever walked westward at Riis park, toward Fort Tilden? it’s like...
August 2010
2 posts
2 tags
What's this birthday nonsense? Didn't I just HAVE...
As you can see, most people experience an upward trend in happiness beginning at the time of college. In my case the upward trend peaks well before college, and there is a steady downward trend that begins around 17.
One more just for fun:
And that’s why I don’t celebrate my birthday.