February 2012
7 posts
6 tags
I am not of this world,
I never belonged to it.
There are a million stories taking place around me, none of which I have any place in. Closest I’ve come is to have borne direct witness to some (one or two), which as you can imagine has a nasty way of intensifying alienation.
It’s like being the best friend of a main character within the nuclear cast of a sitcom: where, for the purpose of keeping the...
Expanded
To back-track to the beginning, the purpose of the first flow chart was to demonstrate the staggering importance of race in basic attraction, defined in terms of group membership. Without necessarily addressing how race fits into the factors-of-attraction framework. Which, to recap, is the empirically substantiated knowledge from psychology that the primary determinants of attraction (platonic...
2 tags
Getting personal
Installment number five: Outgroup hostility.
The thing about ingroup bias is that it contributes more to favorable thinking about your ingroup than active negative thinking about outgroups. Not even the most cohesive and homogenous group prefers to actively denigrate “others” in lieu of simply ignoring them and carrying about in their own insular circle-jerk land. Hostility toward...
6 tags
what happens when Jane is in our ingroup
I forgot to explore one last possibility in my last post there.
What if Jane is not an other? What if she belongs to your ingroup? It’s not that you simply ask yourself whether you’re interested in associating with her and that’s the end of that.
So to explore this hypothetical question using the example from the previous installment, suppose we are still white. But now Jane...
Expounding a bit more on colorblindness
So as I was starting to insinuate in my last post, there were two discrete types of colorblindness peddled by the pc-liberals of the ’90s; one that is quite reasonable and another that’s outright ludicrous in its conception. Let me go into this in further depth, hopefully in a way that brings some coherence and unity to this racket I’ve been making about race perception.
Racial...
12 tags
a comparison: when no otherization takes place
Colorblind doesn’t mean bleeding-heartedly PC, it just means this. It’s simply that there is no otherization taking place. When I talk of colorblindness I don’t mean colorblindness as a political message, or colorblindness exaggerated to absurdity to that end. I certainly don’t mean ’90s social propaganda colorblind, like the Disney re-make of Cinderella from...
11 tags
Otherization
To be specific, we mean racial ingroup and outgroup. Because on the broad social level, ingroup or outgroup membership is determined along the lines of race. Race is the most salient social category. It frequently takes precedence over physical attractiveness and in most contexts surmounts all other social categories, especially when other factors — such as age — are fairly...
January 2012
3 posts
2 tags
Happy place
Your room is not a place to me. It’s a state of mind. When I was teetering on the brink of suicide, my afterlife delusion was your room: waking up in your room. I’d escape from the earth under the coronado bridge and then wake up in your room. I’m not a daydreamer, but when I was suicidal I daydreamed a lot. I dreamed about this.
August 2011
3 posts
3 tags
Living in accordance with one's principles isn't...
You’re not a rational person if you’re able to use reason in academic papers but not in heated arguments.
You’re not a virtuous person if you apply your principles to social issues but not also to your personal life.
3 tags
Consistency
I will always be here. I will always be the same person I was when you met me. And if I’ve ever loved you, you can be sure I always will love you. Everyone who has ever led a revolution or a movement and changed the world has had one thing in common: consistency. Humans are of a fickle nature, and few people possess this quality. However, those who do are the ones who change the world.
2 tags
Every gothic melodrama deserves a melodramatic soundtrack.
July 2011
2 posts
It's like you always said,
puberty was the beginning of the end.
(This was back when you were still sporadically insightful, not confused and lost and impressionable as you are now.)
I only felt an urgency to speak to you again because I had reached the eve of the end and I knew it. I thought this was appropriate because knowing you was the single most beautiful (now also the most horrible) experience of my post-pubescent...
6 tags
Sometimes in life, you get into completely unnecessary accidents on your way to see someone who has affected you profoundly enough to warrant frequent mention in your ridiculous (albeit refreshingly lucid) tumblelog.
They jerk you around via phone indecisively all night after initially blowing you off because they had a bad day. Finally, upon their request, you leave your house to go visit...
June 2011
6 posts
When I was a child, it seemed so certain that I’d already had it made. I was a capable, fearless, independent child… so invulnerable that it seemed impossible I might ever lose (or even come in second) at anything. Really the last kid you could imagine growing up to be a walking tragedy.
Yet, this is now my life. It’s the stuff of fables and folk tales but it’s my life.
1 tag
This bears repeating.
When wounds are fresh, they seem so sure to heal. Enough time must pass before you can determine if there will be scarring, or know the severity of the scarring.
At one time, I was in the position to save you from your devastating loss and prevent my own. You didn’t let me. I’m going to stop punishing myself for it now.
(The scars are punishment enough...
tragedy/farce
In trying to make peace with all my selves and all my mistakes, I ended up making the grandest, most unnecessary, disastrous mistake yet. I lost two goddamn teeth to it and gained nothing.
All I wanted was to see my earnest good intentions realized, yet things were left worse off than they were to begin with. Through no fault of my own, I can say with confidence. It’s just that intentions...
derp.jpg
Physiological youth is a marvelous thing, you know. When you have it, you are capable, resilient, effortlessly stable. You’re nearly invincible. When you no longer have it, you come into danger of becoming so illusioned and weak-willed that you get yourself into stupid accidents on your way to see someone who, after the fact, thinks verbal apologies by e-mail are a sufficient and...
social independence is a tremendous source of strength when you’re young and beautiful. but when either your vigor diminishes or your beauty diminishes in intensity, it becomes a potent source of weakness.
I didn't think the end would be so volatile
But it is, because none of my past selves are ready to die. My present self is eager and willing because she knows it’s right and because she wants to prevent future selves from coming into existence. But my past selves still wish to be known. Make no mistake, they’re gone already. They’re gone in a very literal sense because I’m no longer able to look like them or think...
May 2011
4 posts
just for one moment, i thought i found my way....
is that victories are hard-won and short-lived.
3 tags
When I go here, it feels like I’m the only person on earth. It feels like I’ve killed everyone else in the world and I can finally rest.
fuck my life.
fuck. my life.
toxic people
shouldn’t live difficult lives. They’ll just end up trying to destroy the world. (ex: Hitler)
April 2011
3 posts
foundations of reality crumbling, LOL
lol.
after a little incident and a stay in the mental hospital, my mind has been on vacation. did i say vacation? i meant hiatus. vacation implies enjoyment, i just mean inactivity.
foundations of reality disintegrating ———> grasp on reality disintegrating. sorry.
March 2011
3 posts
for a little while
i want to be locked in a white room away from all humans, all words, and the entire outside world. i want a safe place for my sanity.
7 tags
TO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEAN WHERE ALL HOPES SANK,...
my origins: for comparison, my dad. note how much clearer his skies are than mine.
the absurdity of the human female form
is attributable to the fact that the species has evolved to be effective in procreating at the expense of the female. **If you understand sexual dimorphism as being a matter of body size, you don’t understand sexual dimorphism.
February 2011
4 posts
The strongest memories are remembered by the physiology of the body even more than they are by the brain.
I fucking hate my life. I fucking. HATE. my life.
8 tags
This means there’s a 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) variable in here that’s influencing suicidality, despite what therapists like to believe. There’s nothing rational about clinical psychology anyway, never has been. They went from thinking everything is about sex to thinking everything is about control. Fat load of progress you made there, clinical psychology. Even though all...
3 tags
Typically, human interaction is supposed to be necessary for mental stability, not detrimental to it. But when your thoughts are so discrepant from other peoples’ thoughts, it’s impossible not to be affected by the dissonance of it in your everyday life.
Going by probability alone, I can reasonably expect never to experience connectedness again. That isn’t pessimism,...
January 2011
3 posts
notes on winter depression
Even my seasonal depression patterns reflect a long-term decline in happiness. Mysteriously, I experienced a sort of rebirth every January which I was always grateful for. But it stopped showing up after year two. Before 2006 I used to run around in a corduroy jacket all winter and the cold couldn’t even touch me, never mind seasonal affective disorder. I used to be completely...
EUREKA!
I finally figured out why women fear rape.
There is one thing I’m as scared of, and scared of in precisely the same ways, as most women are scared of rape.
Pregnancy. NOT pregnancy as in motherhood, but pregnancy as in pregnancy. Physical pregnancy. The actual 9 months of gestation. - I view surrogate motherhood the way most women view prostitution (you’re sacrificing your dignity...
naivete
If you dye your hair unnatural colors, you understand and accept that some will interpret your intentions as petty attention-seeking behavior.
But non-white people are accused of this far more often than white people, which makes no sense,
because:
Gaining visibility is not the same as seeking attention.
If we really must criticize, a white girl who dyes her hair should be criticized AT...
October 2010
1 post
1 tag
People hate truth
They don’t wanna hear it. However… you can hate my words, but you can’t dispute their accuracy.
September 2010
1 post
6 tags
THE GREAT ESCAPE
This weekend I made the great escape — to jacob riis park and fort tilden. Jacob Riis Park big footprints, little footprints, human footprints… (not my footprints) 7AM magical alcove with an abandoned picnic table in it more scenic views of the men’s restroom have you ever walked westward at Riis park, toward Fort Tilden? it’s like...
August 2010
2 posts
2 tags
What's this birthday nonsense? Didn't I just HAVE...
As you can see, most people experience an upward trend in happiness beginning at the time of college. In my case the upward trend peaks well before college, and there is a steady downward trend that begins around 17.
One more just for fun:
And that’s why I don’t celebrate my birthday.
3 tags
Psychosomatic
As a general rule, everyone thinks their emotional problems are worse than everyone else’s. Especially if they’ve gone to college.
But some people’s actually are. Here is an objective assessment that puts them in relation to one another.
This might not be a revelation of any great and remarkable insight, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I’m just issuing a plea to the...
July 2010
1 post
3 tags
I revised this because the first one was stupid.
May 2010
2 posts
Funny because it's truuuuuue
NOT to flatter myself or anything, buuuut...
My urban dictionary page is A TOTAL LOLLERCOASTER.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/author.php?author=interneter
April 2010
12 posts
5 tags
If you never had a proper rebellious phase,
You were not ABOVE it, you were BELOW it. lipgloss.PNG.
5 tags
4 tags
People who bother to talk to me on chat roulette...
One day I’ll move to Europe and leave all my hate and hang-ups here.
…Also, I lied. I doubled the numbers because I never met the quota I set for myself. So while still accurate, the percentages reflect a relatively small sample.
I have imaginary friends.
And I talk to them here. Although one of them is just a real person who won’t speak to me.
2 tags
When I was 16 I appeared in an issue of new york magazine featuring the “50 most beautiful new yorkers”. I was a girl about town then, glamorous, lively, and bold. (I was a different person then.) Their staff “spotted” me on the boardwalk during siren festival and propositioned me for a photoshoot the following week — they never did tell me what it was for until...